Facade

Facades; big-small, happy-sad...

Hiding, camouflaging....

Portraying what I desire.....

But from the corners of the facade

Outlines the fear - a wee li'l crack

Revealing what I so carefully keep under wraps

Random Thoughts

Sleep comes after a long wait, like death...awaited for long....

....To end the agony of this forlon dawn....

Conversation, the sound that I hear....

When our silences entangle and its hard to bear....

Laughter, the beautiful reminder of past....

The childhood days, the innocence not lost....

Forgetfulness, nothing more than an enforced art,

A remembrance to forget and let things be of past....

Love, both the satiating elixir and the parched throat,

A wordless letter for you, which I never wrote....

Hope, it is that leap of faith...

Which we have together taken, in these times so strange....

Questions, are answers that I shy away to get....

Tears, the priceless pearls, that we so unnecessarily spend....

Choices are decisions that never turn out right....

Sadness is something I could never ever fight....

When Shadows Meet....

Cobbled street in that reclusive corner of the town, filled with puddles and dirty rain water... Lightened by a solitary lamp.. fickle, yellow coloured light.... just enough to make one aware of that nook.....

And lies in that reclusive corner, a rotten, wooden bench...reminding you of a rainsoaked firewood.... useless, damp and in expectation of that inevitable end...

But it has been the only standing witness..... witness to the games that shadows play, on such windy nights and dusky days......

Often in the corner lies an old tramp, wretchedly dressed, something like a mad man, counting pennies and collects of the day... some leftover chocolates, bread pieces today, a delicacy in a lifetime... He sits back, aligned to the lamp, relishing the sight of the food.... his shadow stretching a mile away on the road....Overbearing with happiness, his win, his food for the day...

Shadow of two little kids, hopping across the road, jumping on pool water, their day made with this wonderous game.... their little feet trampling away everything,,, the play deepens and its a fight of might....one huge jump, a large fountain of water, shouts of esctatic win from the kids,,, a feebled sound of pain from the other side.. bread pieces covered with mud......

the shadows change, the tramp is crouched, the impending battle of the day is lost... and from there, he sits the shadow of kids receeding further away from him

And often on dusky evenings, steps of a coy girl.. the shadow tiptoeing to the nook... where a handsome boy awaits her... the two shadows transforming into one in the silhouettes of the night sky... unaware of this world, its over bearing norms....

And sometimes, there is a forlon man, talking to himself, cursing his loneliness, conversing with his shadow....

"I HATE YOU,  please leave my side,,,, i am tired of being accompanied by you... you who wont speak to me, who wont soothe me in times of disarray, please leave my side"

"How... you should be grateful, i have been with you in days of pain and utter loneliness, the gloomy life that you are now living in... "

"But i dont need you, i need someone to talk, to share things, to keep me happy and make me feel I am cared for.... Being eternally present but distant in mind, heart, feelings and communication is not what i want.... This loneliness eats me up and hollows me from within... I don't need a shadow, a passive, uninterested, unattached soul.. but someone who feels...

"But you must agree, I am better than her, she was with you but yet passive, unattached, uninterested... a living shadow... I am atleast real..."

The Decision Maker...

"My mother says that she only feels safe when all three of her children are at her home sleeping in their childhood beds. I always teased her about it, not really understanding how frightened she must feel at the complete loss of control she has over her children’s lives."

So true.... We the new generation has unknowingly distanced parents... robbing them off all controls and rights,.... Kids these days so often scorn back or choose to remain silent and not answer queries let alone involve them in their activities/ thoughts...

I wonder that its more often that I 'Tell' my mom-dad about my decisions rather than seeking their opinions on matter, involving them in small-big things of life....

This wasnt so a couple of years back.... when everything was governed/ directed by them... At times it even felt suffocating .. but deep down, it was reassuring that the choices made by me were well-thought, decisions well supported and backed by experience.....Moving from the sheltered existence brings with itself the freedom.. something that every teenager looks forward too; and no doubt it definitely is needed to make you more self-independent ... but an over do of it has never done good to anyone....

The students/ young bunch of people now move around with that all-knowing attitude.... some might argue that they should be let to do their own mistakes and learn from it... its been always so, the difference in generations... each generation becoming much more relaxed, 'COOL' then the previous one... but still the morale of the story remains that we have indeed distanced ourselves in mind and in thinking from our elders; giving our brains and our wee little experience, much more importance than they actually deserve....... anyhow....

P.S. Just some random thoughts as I stare at the overpriced flight tickets which my dad had showed me 2 days back, telling me they have slashed prices suddenly and better book at once... I procrastinated saying that they would now remain so.... But alas, they are back and that too with double coefficient of restitution

Computer and Me

Class IX....sunny, winter afternoon and 2 days to go for christmas...

So what is the great gift this year... me and my sis wondered.... Some possible ones were on cards and we had guessed a few plausible gifts from dad considering the fact that not so non-verbal cues were constantly being hurled at him ;)

Finally our wishes were granted and we opened a brand new desktop.. Our first personal computer for just the two of us....
The excitement was all over ...... being extremely illiterate in comp usage (imagine to have learnt opening and using a word doc through memorized instructions in class 6 ;) ) with experience limited to playing games and surfing tits and bits,,, this was paradise for us.......

2 years later .. comp was a part and parcel of our existence,,, studying at IIT made it so indispensable and so addictive that life couldnt be imagined without it... I remember having most of the fights with my sis over it.... Chats, googling, random searches and not to forget the elixir - the very own IIT LAN to download movies, songs, sitcoms and sometimes precious reading material......

And then came IIM, the comp here was a virtual classroom,,, everything on earth through that one single comp... It was here through dbab that I learnt how one single device with a net connection can become the strongest linkage to the outside world and by outside i meant - my next door neighbours, my groupmates/ friends/ classmates living 2 blocks away, my teachers/RAs sending us quiz notifications..... That one single thing was the ultimate lifeline, the beacon of survival.....

And now 1.25 years into the job, the comp remains the single most powerful ammunition in my hand,,, but like all comp users, I have also moved up the heirarchy of addiction..... The computer commands now control my life..... I so many times do a 'Ctrl-Z' in real world wishing the virtual effect but alas thats not to happen... extra salt in the curry... wish there was a 'Ctrl-Z'; took the wrong turn on the road, Oh why no Ctrl-Z; I just wrote thisrakhi letter on the paper for cousin 1.. can I Ctrl-C it on the next page..... and the list goes on and on... when I have remembered those comp commands....

And so looks like thats it.... 5 more years with 12 hrs a day devoted to comp, I am sure gonna be a 'Computeroid' or a maniac wishing to merge the virtual and the real world.... HELP !!!!

Voices!!!

Voice 1: This space has been neglected - neglected of the time, the space, the love and the attention that it demands.....

Voice 2: But so have been the nuemrous other passions; painting, dancing, reading, poetry, travelling, hearing to random pieces; watching and what not..... The love for banalties, the appreciation for insignificant non-entities.... all is lost

Voice 1: Life goes on and it will definitely continue to go on... but how it goes, where it goes and why it goes should be paused, thought and mused upon..... and if one realizes that it isnt the most optimal route/ path that one is taking then it should be changed/ contrived/ modified to remove all sources of dissonance and potential conflicts/ dissapointments........

Voice 2: AGREED.. the last paragraph is true... True when you are giving GYAAN or those wonderful words of wisdom which are seldom followed....... Life continues to go on... the inertia to change its course is too large to be even slightly tweaked....

Voice 1: No... it isn't so... people dream and those who dream big aren't worried to change the course.... They know what they want from life.... a lot of heartburn, fight within youself and with the outer world.... They don't let the life go on ... they change it....

Voice 2: Aah... the change makers; the torch bearers.... They are a selfish lot.... They see there dreams, work towards shaping them into reality, an effort to convert a mirage into real life saving elixir.. but what about those who make the dreams of these people their own dreams.... the passion adopted/ shared to support their loved ones.... and in the process curtailing their own dreams, passions and the nectar of life

Voice 1: Now this is prejudice.... you are doing that because you love the person, Its a choice you make since the feeling of love encompasses all your needs, dreams and passions,,,, Now don't get me started on the strength of love..... Your dreams are aligned because you share a bigger emotion ... a more powerful one....

Voice 2: Hmmmm....... Love..... but what is the point when the greatest love of your love is his/her dream and your love is nothing before that; Its a non-entity, an emotion not valued.....Its a waste, a humiliation, a disgrace to the choices that you have made.....

Voice 1: SO??? The choice lies before you... Why be pensive / gloomy about it... let it not matter what you think matters.....

Voice 2: Yes.... Let it not matter what matters......

Bed Time Conversations

Raj and Rati lay on the bed, hearing each other’s heart beat in the cold, silent night; relaxing after a tiring and tedious day at work…

Raj suddenly gets up on his side and innocuously asks Rati, “Imagine there are two women, both belonging to a slum. One of them has a kid and the other is childless. The childless woman asks the other female to give her the child, citing reasons that she would love the child more and take better care since she has been childless and rearing to shower her motherly affection on someone. Do you think she can really love the child more than her birth mother? Do you think the mother would part away with the child??”

Rati instantaneously replies, “Never. She would never do so… for nine months she bore that child and do you think she had give him away and that to, to a female who can’t promise to give this child a better life, more amenities or take him away from the bane of poverty. Never. And loving more… well that’s so subjective.. For all you know, the love that she speaks about is nothing but ignoring the flaws and mistakes and just pampering the child to the core. Lack of discipline or scolding wouldn’t amount to more love. The mother would never give the child away” Her reply was firm and conclusionary

Raj brooded over her answer and immediately asked back, “Is it so difficult to let go your child and the memories?”

“Of Course it is!! How can you give away your child and stop thinking, talking or missing him/her”

“But he wouldn’t be around for the memories to grow. And whatever little she has, would soon fade away. You know the out-of-sight, out of mind funda!!” Raj was quick to retort back

“Aah, come on. A mother can never forget the child. She can never let go her children you see. Even when she turns old, her heart would flutter for her children, her family. How can then she give away the child”

“Do you remember your second cousin? The one who married her cousin brother and was banished out of her house? The family has no clue, no inkling of her whereabouts, her existence… its over 10 years now… Sure, she had a mother, a father… but they did forget, they did let her go…Their societal status was more bigger a thing than their own child”

“Hmm…”

“They don’t utter a word about her, erased of memory now… 10 years and they don’t miss her, even in their minds they don’t remember her… She isn’t remembered…. Yet they were her parents, her siblings….”

“But then what she did was socially wrong… guess they felt disgraced coz of what she had done.. It was a punishment, a tough one on them and on her… they pulled back her support system- her family… their way to let her know she is dead for them… Dead… They did let her go away…”

“And then there was this aunt of mine, who is suddenly erased out of all our memories one fine summer morning. I don’t even know where she is and what happened and why”

“But my aunt always laments about the kid that was still-born. 15 years and she still counts him as her child. He is remembered at all occasions, his birthday celebrated, his death mourned… She says she carried him for 9 months in her womb… he was a life she felt (although only for 9 months), he was a part of she and her husband, the first symbol of their love… and he should be remembered” Rati sighed..

“Hmm… I know… maybe it’s too tough and unlucrative for the woman to give away her child now; she can’t be benevolent in this matter; this is a vital truth… But a bigger truth is that the same mother would let go the child and erase memories if the circumstances lead to it… Strange are human emotions and strange are the way we think… Something so unimaginable at one instant would seem as the only solution at other”

“Yes, very true… very, very true”

“Well, this is what life is and this is how it shall remain….. wronging our convictions, making us take unthinkable decisions and putting us in acts that have to be enacted impromptu with no scope of retakes… Still I raise a toast to this journey called life… Goodnight sweetheart”

“Goodnight dear”

Dreams

Dreams- the pristine clouds; Unbridled, uncurbed, untamed in sky
Are nothing but concoctions, that precipitate into a flurry……

Dreams- those imprecated birds, that left their nests, to know not where
And were harped by death, in their journey of quest…..

Dreams- the unfinished painting, with crooked lines and myriad hues
But lost the muse, before the painter got his due….

Dreams- the beautiful rainbow; appealing, fascinating and invigorating you
But was washed off the form, before its mysteries I could unsew….

Dreams- the sublime consciousness, vignetting our thoughts
Waking us in the nights, but in daylight are like battles lost

Dreams- the carved glass form, splitting the morning rays
That lost its panache when sharded into million frays

Dreams are those stars that I tried hard to reach…
Dreams are those songs that I could never beseech…
Dreams are the dews that melted in my hand…
Dreams are the plants that failed to grow in sand….
Dreams were ripples that died without a stir
Dreams were those ideas that were nothing but a blur

But dreams are also thoughts, that guide me through
Dreams are blessings that I count for you….
Dreams are longings that I crave for and yearn,
A packful of wishes still yet to unfurl…..
Dreams are not the end but a beacon of start
To own and possess what one truly deserves

Phaank

Sookhi, banjar dharti main ek phankh.....

Pyaasi, Pathraai, door tak khinchi hui

Aur uske badan se sati huyi, sekdon nanhi nanhi phaankein,

Toh rahin ho jaise uske jeevan ke veerane ko


Soona astitiva, sooni chah, soona jeevan, nishprem awaas

Chah ek pathik ki, chah ek chirantan sakhi ki

Jaise keh rahi ho, maano to sukhe honth hon, ki

Zindagi se badi sazaa hi nahin


Aur kahin gira diya ek pakshi ne ek daana

Apna saara mamatava, apni saari aadrata

De use, di use ek zindagi, ek chaanv bhi

Kuch bacha nahi, sab luta diya, na dekha apna haal hi

Aur ho bada, khila woh phool, us sookhe registan main bhi

Failaayi apni jadein, kuch tanen, kuch mehekti bayar bhi

Bhar daala us phaank ka khaleepan, uski neeravta..

Jaise chuka raho ho udhaar, apni praandayeeni ka

Aur phir ek din, bhool gaya, ho gaya leen

Jeevan ki is apaadhaapi main....

Reh gayi woh phank phir pyaasi, akeli

Sochti hai, koi aur beej girega uski jholi main

Degi use sneh lutaar, saari mamta, saara pyaar

Aur tab tak, woh jeevit hai, is nishpraan jeevan ke saath

Where has my vocabulory gone!!!!!!

This post is being written with a sense of disappointment, with utter grief and pity on my own self.....The feelings that encompass me now is that of being a handicap, or someone who is robbed away of whatever iota bit of talent and treasure she had....

I had fervently worked for 6 odd months to improve my vocab and my repertoire of words while appearing for the CAT examination..... Prior to that, I could have been labeled as someone who was decent in English but lacked the finesse to talk or participate among the elite knowledge holders of this great language (no pun intended.... it indeed is great!!!).....

I thought I did decent in these 6 months and added huge number of words to my short assemblage.... I used to pride at throwing away unheard, misfit words at my sis amidst day to day banters, chats and also spats..... (And she was might impressed by it... and we would inadvertently end the mighty argument that we would be having...... )..........

Obviously this called for thanking all Gods.........And so like a true devotee, I unwaveringly worshipped and thanked Barrons and my very own vocab builder software for giving me this edge above her .........

But today is different...... I feel like a bag full of gas that has been pricked and deflated ...... The very vocab I prided upon and its absence stares blatantly through this blog and laughs at me......

Today when I visited and read my old blogs, all I could find was repeat and over usage of words like ' serene', 'myriad', 'tranquil', 'vehemently', and many more......

Where were other new words..... ???? Do I write similar stuff that eludes the use of different genre / meaning of words or am I plain, simple incompetent to use new, better placed and more apt words......

I wonder where did those plentiful words that I once by-hearted disappear ..... I wonder if hippocampus played the culprit in this information loss while transiting them from short term to long term memory,,,,, or is my brain a lossy medium dissipating all this valuable information that is meant to be preciously stored and treasured........

Whatever the reason be, I feel dejected and saddened by the limited words i can use (or to phrase better, little words I know).... ..

So from today it is.......mugging Barrons' again.....endless games of scrabble...... repeat practice on vocab builder.......anything....

Anything to overcome this sad state... anything to be back in words,,,,, anything to belong once again to the elite group of knowledge mongers and English connoisseurs

I pray to Thee....."please give me back my vocab".....

Signing off with a SIGH......

Morning Bliss

I saw my child, sleeping deep and sound...

In wallows of sleep so wide and profound....


A little smile that ran on the lips....


An angelic face that had lit up with grace....


The morning beam's first ray did a dance,,


On his face, that was unperturbed and calm....


The fingers were curled up and twined...


As if holding his precious prize...


The serenic view that the sight arose...


Made me stop to stare him close...


And relish the tranquility that the moment brought...


To this fiery life spent in numerous dreams sought...

Mujhe Feminist hone ki 'Ijazzat' hai !

Watched Ijazzat once again and yet again the women in me cried for rekha and anuradha.... the two women torn between the whimsical, confused and definitely extremely mentally weak naseeruddin shah.....
Their fate decided by a man who was himself not sure of what he desired... what he should have stood by and what he should have let go... torn between his audacity and the pressures of society and in turn weaving a web of lies for himself and for the two of them.....
Now Now.... I am getting critical but just couldnt help feel bad and acknowledge that women's fate still remains putty in hands of the male to an extent....
The movie always tends to bring out the feministic streak in me and leaves me in a conundrum of helplessness and despair......
I inevitably end up talking vehemently of how wrong the protagonist was to the two females and fret and carry this heartburn and then forget over a couple of days... So this time around decided to vent it out on blog and feel sorry for their plight

Of turtles and puppies

Free in office and for lack of better things decided to clean up the mail box....

Of all the intended cleaning that was to happen, all I ended up doing was reading old conversations and smiling away at the innocence and liveliness and brute honesty of thoughts exchanged...

In one such conversation, I hit upon the place where I was vehemently trying to oppose having a turtle as a pet.... now any sane person would have understood that the person on the other side was trying to take my case by suggesting to keep turtles but here I was all animated and sure to not 'paalo' a turtle and taking it all seriously ;) ......

Whatever the conclusion to that chat, what matters is how gullible and stupid I can get at times...... This has often led to tears and watersheds but at times it has also led to heartbreaks, dip in faith, loss of respect and or even loss of precious friends.....

And at other times, this has led me to hold onto things and words which are best forgotten and lost..... words that add jealousy, dissapointment, pain and all negative thoughts to one's existence..... thoughts and instances that stay put and refuse to let you move on and enjoy the beauty that engulfs this world.....

But then, haven't I cherished it for all the innocence that it brings ....... the fact that you believe and take people on their face value, on words that they have spoken and on intentions and feelings and kind words they have for you... (they might still be fooling around and saying good words in jest but it nevertheless gives you a kick ... ;) )

So all said and done.... maybe this gullibility should be let to stay,,, what say ;) ???

P.S. I am wondering why i started with the title 'turtles and puppies' but guess will let it stay..... (for sake of arousing interest ;))

My Nook

The summer night breezes have an awesome feel to them....
The humidity and the sultry mumbai weather was driving me nuts till a day ago i discovered this li'l nook in my house where i could sit and gaze, albeit only huge buildings and thankfully some lush green old trees and enjoy the summer evening breeze.....

It has the capacity to set me free..... It lets my mind run in millions of directions, all incoherent, yet touching some unrealized, unacknowledged needs, dreams or pain of mine.... It makes me fall in love with the concept of love and belongingness...... It makes me love the bond that i am in and yet it frees and pushes me to go and grab all the dreams and aspirations that are waiting for me to be held in these small hands........
The nook gives voice to my solitude and the view from there gives it vision....
Its the painted imagery of how i want my life to be...... tranquil, serene and yest bustling with hope, energy and love....

Reticence

A emotionless face when the world seems to crumble

A gleam in eyes when on success I tumble

The lowered eyelashes under your loving gaze

And the tweaked eyebrows when I am in a daze....

The softened smile when you talk to me....

The blushed cheeks on hearing those words three...

The twitched lips when in pensive mood

The lost eyes when I get something to brood

Holding your hand to know that you mean

A hell lot more than apparent dreams...

A pat on the back, An encouraging glance

All sum up this world and our reticence....

What If .....

****************************************************************

Hi... I guess I am in love....


Really!!!.. wow....That comes as a surprise !!


Yeah I know... But I think I have found the one I would want to spend my life with !!!

Thats great!!! so who is the lucky gal? and have u told her about it....

She is my school friend... I admired her in school...... but then we lost touch... met her this time .... and believe me ,,, I havent stopped loving her.... But i need to tell it to her....

Thats nice... so what are you waiting for... Go and tell her...

I don't know.. if she likes me or not.. I don't know if she is in a relationship.... I know nothing about her... You are the one who has to help me.... plz plz plz

How can I help u????

Listen .. I would introduce you to her over chat.... She is moving to delhi and u can help her with contacts and general helping around.....befriend her and please get this info out ...... plz plz .... I want to know if she is seeing someone.... for if she is then I would stay away.... please do this for me....... U r a great friend!!!

No Probs.... Will try my best :)

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Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii............. I am SOOOOOOOOOO Happy.....Thanks Thanks so much.......Thanks for sending those flowers on my behalf....... Thanks for sending the chocs,,,, She loves me .... Thanksssss :)

Anything for a friend.... Glad i was of some help....

I owe this to you....

Come on.... now enjoy..... and Many many Congratulations !!!!!

You know.... thanks for letting me cry like a child on your shoulders.... Thanks for those walks when i thought i have lost her.....Thanks for that...Thanks for everything.....

Its OK .... Anytime for a friend... So lets celebrate....

Yes :)... But first lets find someone for you....yaar kisi ko to haan bolo.... Log mare jaate hain....

No I ain't good enough....

Come on... who said so.... you are too good.....

Is it??? I still would believe I am not good enough....

Whatever..... lets celebrate.. you are the first one i broke this news to.... lemme tell this to my friends... and thanks once again for everything :)).... chalo cya... Bbye....

BBye......

........Yes I may be 'good' but i am not 'good enough'... have never been good enough for you.... 4 silent years and i have kept it hidden in my heart..... will forever do so....
But then i think.... 'what if' i had told you ever about it.... the 'what if' would always remian.....

********************************************************************

The Missing Pieces

Life seems like a jigsaw puzzle at times to me…. We in a frenzy trying to search for all the lost and matching pieces to give it a sense of fulfillment, a sense of completion…. The pieces in countless shapes and sizes reflecting the myriad colors of life: pleasure, sorrow, envy, love, accomplishment, faith and so on……
But then why aren’t we ever able to find all ends and make this jigsaw puzzle complete…. Is it because they don’t exist or is it because we haven’t just tried hard enough to find them and put them in place…..
Maybe the answer is ‘NO’ to both the above conjectures,,,, we spend our lives trying hard (or that is what we would like to believe that we gave it our best shot), but yet we fail… the sense of completion never comes….

I guess here lies the stark difference between our approach to life and to a simple puzzle game. All throughout our life, we just strive to find the bright colors, the colors which our vivacious and full of life…. the pieces that reflect our dreams, our aspirations and those which give us joy and pleasure. We go on adding those and increasing the web of the puzzle……. But then we forget that the pieces that reflect pain, sorrow, jealousy, blockheads, etc. are a part of this larger web and cant be avoided….they are needed to fill the missing spaces…. They tag along with these ‘Happy Pieces’ and keep on filling the unoccupied space…..
So the next time when you wonder why are u going thru this ,,, remember to cherish those sorrow, pain and fear… for a brighter, colorful jigsaw piece is awaiting somewhere down there to complement this one :)

Realization !!!!!

Vulnerable, Stupid, Idiot, Gullible, Helpless, Jealous,,,,
Too many words defining the existence,,, and how silly to have wondered that one can be a person of few words ;)

Well... life is indeed unpredictable that ways.... One might have taken pride to be the most coolest, non-chalant being on this Universe, unperturbed by happenings around, ever so satisfied with what one gets, not setting expectation and thus not bothering if they are met or not....
Life is bliss if this is the mantra.....
But then hadnt one be God if they had the right notion or belief about themselves ;)
and isnt the most peaceful, tranquil, existence, the worst sampleset and situation to have formed it ;) (i wonder why too many winkies.. but i am tempted to do so.... )

Hmmm... but yes the realization has dawned - I defnitely am not the Coolest, the most Non-Chalant and the most carefree being on Earth .... what a realization :D ... but yes so it is ....

So lemme revive this long lost blog with this new realization :)